If you've ever had the unfortunate experience of watching The Silence of the Lambs, then you know the main character, played by Anthony Hopkins, is a brilliant psychiatrist, but also a dangerous psychopath with a penchant for cannibalism. Many years have thankfully passed since I saw it, but the unsavory scenes of one human eating another stay with most viewers. In my younger days I liked a good scary movie, but as an adult I've never much cared for them, which is ironic considering some of the horror shows I see when I go to work each day. Most recently, I witnessed the aftermath of a patient who later brought the aforementioned movie to mind. But sadly, this wasn't a movie. Chewing from an open self-inflicted leg wound, my patient tore around seven inches of flesh from her body and spit it on the bed. Her own blood covered her face and sheets as the nurse practitioner on call and three nurses worked quickly to stop the bleeding. She had done this before. The wound had grown so deep and so large that not enough skin remained to stitch it closed. I had never seen anything like it and nurses on call that day said the same. Standing to her side and trying not to cry for her, I forced myself to hold it together and work to calm her while the ambulance for another hospital was called. As I looked into her eyes, I saw her desperation to die and with tears beginning to run down her cheeks, she asked me if she would live. When I softly told her that she would, her face fell in disappointment and she laid back in defeat. Of the entire experience, that moment was more painful to see than the bleeding hole in her leg, blood stained sheets, and the pieces of flesh lying on the bed. It was all too much, and as I fought back tears, I knew I could never unsee any of it.
I still had three more patients to see on my rounds and in that moment I wasn't sure how I was going to focus on them, but as I took a deep breath, I kept moving and vowed to let myself break down later. And I did. As soon as I began driving away from the hospital when I finished my work, the tears began to fall and I asked God to show me what I needed to know, but I already knew. The Bible says in Matthew 5:14-16 that we are the "light of the world" and to "let it shine before others" that God may be glorified. So many of the patients on my caseload are experiencing such tremendous darkness and if the only thing I accomplish in a given day is shining the light of Christ into their trial, then I have served the Lord well. It's not easy and coupled with a number of other difficult things happening in my life right now, I don't always want to get out of bed, but in the words of one of my mentors when I asked her what she believed I was meant to learn as a therapist, she said "you are to learn resiliency. Talk it out with someone. Throw a fit, get mad, sick, disgusted etc. Don't hold back the feelings but don't run. Then find out why you get up every day. You are being tried by fire. Don't put out the flame just because it hurts." Wise words.
The Bible says in Matthew 6:33 to "seek first the kingdom of God" and everything I need will be added to me. It doesn't say everything I want, but everything I need. What I'm learning through all of the trials in my professional and personal life right now is that apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5) and that He is all I need. The real beauty of my life's hardships right now is that I'm getting to experience a level of His grace in my life that I've never before known. By seeking Him first, I'm discovering that the joy of the Lord really is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10) and His grace truly is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) to do all that needs to be done. Though I can never unsee what I saw that day, I no longer want to because I would also unsee the devotion of the medical staff working to stop the bleeding. I would unsee the collaborative effort of a multidisciplinary team working together to bring healing, and in my own role, I would unsee the pain in my patient's eyes that the Lord wanted me to see that day. I've asked God many times throughout my walk with Him to show me a person or situation through His eyes or to "open my eyes that I might see," much like He did for Elisha’s servant in 2 Kings 6:17. Though what I saw in my patient's eyes was deep pain and not a hillside of God's mighty chariots and fire, it was a pain God allowed me to see that I might better know how to treat her. It's the difficult part of being a therapist, but if a surgeon tries to perform surgery with his eyes closed, we wouldn't expect him to know what he was doing, and in a similar fashion, if I don't ask the Lord to show me the pain felt by my patients, I'm not always able to help them. He shows me because it allows me to feel their anguish and to feel His when He sees one of His children hurting. I don't always like this part of my job, but the miraculous return for my labor is that I get to see what raw hope looks like as well. I know what it feels like to emotionally walk a patient out of suicidal ideation and into hope for the future. I get to experience the patient's transition from despair to joy when they realize they have a reason to live and maybe just maybe they don't want to die. I'm allowed the privilege of being used by God to help turn patients away from wanting to take their own lives. A suicidal patient I'm currently working with cries during most of our sessions because she's struggling to believe in the beauty of her own heart and soul, but by the grace of God, I get to help her find it. She recently tried to kill herself. Now she's trying to live. It doesn't always turn out that way and I've worked with patients who are no longer living. It hurts. But the very reasons I sometimes want to run are the same reasons I must stay.
Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, said that "everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." I am so grateful to the Lord for using me at all, and although some days I want Him to choose someone else, I'm ultimately glad He doesn't. My attitude isn't always right, but when I see a glimmer of hope start to shine in the eyes of a patient who came to me in a state of wanting to die, I know how blessed I am to be where I am. Instead of asking to unsee something in your life, ask the Lord to show you what it is He wants you to see. Rather than pleading with Him to remove you from a situation or circumstance, pray for insight to know why you're in it, wisdom to go through it, and grace upon grace to grow through it. Allow Him to use you as the light in someone else's darkness, and when you desperately want to unsee some aspect of your life, seek instead, a view from the Father's eyes. Don't unsee. See. Really see.
"Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long"- Psalm 25:4-5
YouTube video credit at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arIrH2FpR9g
I still had three more patients to see on my rounds and in that moment I wasn't sure how I was going to focus on them, but as I took a deep breath, I kept moving and vowed to let myself break down later. And I did. As soon as I began driving away from the hospital when I finished my work, the tears began to fall and I asked God to show me what I needed to know, but I already knew. The Bible says in Matthew 5:14-16 that we are the "light of the world" and to "let it shine before others" that God may be glorified. So many of the patients on my caseload are experiencing such tremendous darkness and if the only thing I accomplish in a given day is shining the light of Christ into their trial, then I have served the Lord well. It's not easy and coupled with a number of other difficult things happening in my life right now, I don't always want to get out of bed, but in the words of one of my mentors when I asked her what she believed I was meant to learn as a therapist, she said "you are to learn resiliency. Talk it out with someone. Throw a fit, get mad, sick, disgusted etc. Don't hold back the feelings but don't run. Then find out why you get up every day. You are being tried by fire. Don't put out the flame just because it hurts." Wise words.
The Bible says in Matthew 6:33 to "seek first the kingdom of God" and everything I need will be added to me. It doesn't say everything I want, but everything I need. What I'm learning through all of the trials in my professional and personal life right now is that apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5) and that He is all I need. The real beauty of my life's hardships right now is that I'm getting to experience a level of His grace in my life that I've never before known. By seeking Him first, I'm discovering that the joy of the Lord really is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10) and His grace truly is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) to do all that needs to be done. Though I can never unsee what I saw that day, I no longer want to because I would also unsee the devotion of the medical staff working to stop the bleeding. I would unsee the collaborative effort of a multidisciplinary team working together to bring healing, and in my own role, I would unsee the pain in my patient's eyes that the Lord wanted me to see that day. I've asked God many times throughout my walk with Him to show me a person or situation through His eyes or to "open my eyes that I might see," much like He did for Elisha’s servant in 2 Kings 6:17. Though what I saw in my patient's eyes was deep pain and not a hillside of God's mighty chariots and fire, it was a pain God allowed me to see that I might better know how to treat her. It's the difficult part of being a therapist, but if a surgeon tries to perform surgery with his eyes closed, we wouldn't expect him to know what he was doing, and in a similar fashion, if I don't ask the Lord to show me the pain felt by my patients, I'm not always able to help them. He shows me because it allows me to feel their anguish and to feel His when He sees one of His children hurting. I don't always like this part of my job, but the miraculous return for my labor is that I get to see what raw hope looks like as well. I know what it feels like to emotionally walk a patient out of suicidal ideation and into hope for the future. I get to experience the patient's transition from despair to joy when they realize they have a reason to live and maybe just maybe they don't want to die. I'm allowed the privilege of being used by God to help turn patients away from wanting to take their own lives. A suicidal patient I'm currently working with cries during most of our sessions because she's struggling to believe in the beauty of her own heart and soul, but by the grace of God, I get to help her find it. She recently tried to kill herself. Now she's trying to live. It doesn't always turn out that way and I've worked with patients who are no longer living. It hurts. But the very reasons I sometimes want to run are the same reasons I must stay.
Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, said that "everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." I am so grateful to the Lord for using me at all, and although some days I want Him to choose someone else, I'm ultimately glad He doesn't. My attitude isn't always right, but when I see a glimmer of hope start to shine in the eyes of a patient who came to me in a state of wanting to die, I know how blessed I am to be where I am. Instead of asking to unsee something in your life, ask the Lord to show you what it is He wants you to see. Rather than pleading with Him to remove you from a situation or circumstance, pray for insight to know why you're in it, wisdom to go through it, and grace upon grace to grow through it. Allow Him to use you as the light in someone else's darkness, and when you desperately want to unsee some aspect of your life, seek instead, a view from the Father's eyes. Don't unsee. See. Really see.
"Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long"- Psalm 25:4-5
You are an amazing human being and I love you.
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