Not long after finding out I was pregnant in January of 2017, 10 years after I originally began praying for a second child, I made the decision to do whatever I needed to do to get, and keep, my life on track with God's plan. In the three years leading up to the discovery of my pregnancy, I had not only become derailed in my walk with God, but I also had sunken to a depth of depression and despair that I didn't know how to climb out of. Would I get out? I asked the question frequently. Did I want to get out? An even more difficult question that I asked during some of the darker moments of that three year period. At my worst, I no longer wanted to live, and at my best, I was so ensnared in the mistakes I had made that I didn't know how to untangle the web I'd unconsciously weaved. From a broken marriage to the reckless adoption of the world's ways, I was fighting daily to stay afloat in the troubled emotional waters in which I swam. Ominous waves of condemnation and gripping undercurrents of fear and self-loathing beat mercilessly against my every effort to swim to the shore of Jesus' love. Eventually, I grew weary and disheartened, doubtful and confused. I found myself looking around at the dark ocean of mistakes that surrounded me and I wondered how I got in such deep waters. It took a lot of reflection and honest, unashamed introspection to uproot the pain and unearth the cause. I had to forgive the people I believed had put me there and take responsibility for my own life choices. At the end of the pain, I realized that the spiritual and emotional geography of where I found myself started, not with the hurtful actions of others, but with my own willingness to make a compromise.
