As I walked into a patient's room recently, I wasn't surprised to see blood stains on the floor, bed sheets, walls, and her face. Only seconds earlier when her screams filled the hallway and nurse's station where I sat charting, I had taken a deep breath in to prepare for the complete breakdown that was commencing, and as I made my way over to intervene and stabilize her, I didn't have time to consider anything but the immediate crisis. She was in there somewhere...the woman God created, but shouting back at me and the rest of the treatment staff was a person so incomprehensibly angry, scared, and reportedly desperate to die that I didn't know whether or not I could reach her in that moment. So I prayed as I worked to calm her. Our sessions up to this point had been as productive as her limited cognitive functioning allowed, but in the middle of a self-injurious rage, patients aren't always so easy to calm. It's not my favorite part of being a therapist, but I had been in this setting before and the scene was all too familiar. Several years ago I spent time working in a psychiatric hospital in Los Angeles, but when I left that position, I had no intention of ever working with the severely mentally ill or those with neurocognitive impairment again. But there I was. Working calmly and quickly to stabilize a bleeding patient screaming about wanting to die. Again. How did I get here was no longer the question running through my mind; I knew exactly how I got here, but the question had become Why am I staying here? To be honest, I'm still not sure, but what I do know is that in this moment, all is well.
Southern California has been home to me for the last 11 years, but this past December, I accepted a job in northern Indiana. Within weeks of saying yes, my family was packed and ready to leave. It was a busy time so I didn't have a lot of opportunity to sit and reflect on what I was doing. Though I prayed and sought God daily, the amount of work involved in moving across the country was tremendous and required constant movement. Plus, I was afraid if I slowed down for too many breaks I would back out of leaving. I've had even less downtime since relocating and starting my new job, but it's no longer possible to ignore the reality of the transition, and I've found it to be an incredibly difficult one. Most days I wake up and I'm fine, but on others I struggle with nagging doubts, fears, and unanswered questions. I miss home, and despite my best efforts to make where I am "home," it's just not. At least not yet.
Still, my time here is not without purpose. As I so often work with patients on mindfulness practices and cognitive restructuring, I, too, am diligently working on a present moment focus and situational reframing. James 1:2-4 says to "consider it pure joy when I face trials and hardships" due to the inner spiritual work the difficulties are accomplishing. What a challenging task, but I smile as I consider it because I've watched God bring me through so many tough times in the past and the finished work is always worth the struggle. (2 Corinthians 4:17). God is good, and in this moment, I'm eternally grateful. I don't have to stay here. I get to stay here and continue learning and growing, not only as a psychologist, but also, and most importantly, as a child of God. I don't always like my job. When patients are screaming for hours on end, violently attacking staff, or being generally difficult to handle, at the end of each day I am still abundantly blessed. Not only do I get to shine a light (Matthew 5:16) into the darkness of my patient's lives, but I also get to come home to the smiling faces of two children who shine a light back into my mine. The inspiration for this entry came several nights ago as I sat rocking my daughter to sleep. She sat in my lap quietly looking into my eyes, and as I looked back into hers, I smiled and tears of gratitude began to roll down my cheeks. The day had been difficult and my heart was heavy, but in that moment I knew everything would be okay.
If you're going through a difficult time or transition, try to stay grounded in the present. The central premise of the psychological practice of mindfulness is staying in the present moment, and if you're feeling overwhelmed by adverse circumstances or uncertainty, look around. Be still, take note of several aspects of your immediate surroundings, and see if you're able to find one thing for which to be grateful. For me, it was a deep stare into my daughters eyes, the baby for whom I prayed over the course of 10 years. In that moment, I felt grateful and blessed and joyful. Peaceful even. And in this moment, as I write and reflect and count my blessings, all is well. In this moment.
Southern California has been home to me for the last 11 years, but this past December, I accepted a job in northern Indiana. Within weeks of saying yes, my family was packed and ready to leave. It was a busy time so I didn't have a lot of opportunity to sit and reflect on what I was doing. Though I prayed and sought God daily, the amount of work involved in moving across the country was tremendous and required constant movement. Plus, I was afraid if I slowed down for too many breaks I would back out of leaving. I've had even less downtime since relocating and starting my new job, but it's no longer possible to ignore the reality of the transition, and I've found it to be an incredibly difficult one. Most days I wake up and I'm fine, but on others I struggle with nagging doubts, fears, and unanswered questions. I miss home, and despite my best efforts to make where I am "home," it's just not. At least not yet.
Still, my time here is not without purpose. As I so often work with patients on mindfulness practices and cognitive restructuring, I, too, am diligently working on a present moment focus and situational reframing. James 1:2-4 says to "consider it pure joy when I face trials and hardships" due to the inner spiritual work the difficulties are accomplishing. What a challenging task, but I smile as I consider it because I've watched God bring me through so many tough times in the past and the finished work is always worth the struggle. (2 Corinthians 4:17). God is good, and in this moment, I'm eternally grateful. I don't have to stay here. I get to stay here and continue learning and growing, not only as a psychologist, but also, and most importantly, as a child of God. I don't always like my job. When patients are screaming for hours on end, violently attacking staff, or being generally difficult to handle, at the end of each day I am still abundantly blessed. Not only do I get to shine a light (Matthew 5:16) into the darkness of my patient's lives, but I also get to come home to the smiling faces of two children who shine a light back into my mine. The inspiration for this entry came several nights ago as I sat rocking my daughter to sleep. She sat in my lap quietly looking into my eyes, and as I looked back into hers, I smiled and tears of gratitude began to roll down my cheeks. The day had been difficult and my heart was heavy, but in that moment I knew everything would be okay.
If you're going through a difficult time or transition, try to stay grounded in the present. The central premise of the psychological practice of mindfulness is staying in the present moment, and if you're feeling overwhelmed by adverse circumstances or uncertainty, look around. Be still, take note of several aspects of your immediate surroundings, and see if you're able to find one thing for which to be grateful. For me, it was a deep stare into my daughters eyes, the baby for whom I prayed over the course of 10 years. In that moment, I felt grateful and blessed and joyful. Peaceful even. And in this moment, as I write and reflect and count my blessings, all is well. In this moment.
"Be still and know that I am God" - Psalm 46:10
Wow. God be with you always, and bless you abundantly during this transitional time. ❤️
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ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful Heather!!! You are an amazing woman and I am blessed to have had you touch my life... I am clear that we will cross paths again and of course keep in contact. How do I subscribe to this blog???
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