In the midst of major life transitions, I have been able to see some things more clearly than ever before, yet some people and issues remain a blurry haze. My overall purpose, my circle, my own understanding of life happening in me and around me - these things I know intimately and can see with certainty. Outside of the sovereignty of God (Colossians 1:16-17), I do have some level of control over these domains. Over other people, however, I can exert very little power. Frankly, I neither want nor need to control anyone's purpose, circle, or life perceptions. It's exhausting and causes more damage than anything else. What I'm finding in the rubble of various painful circumstances that occurred so far this year is that God uses our valleys as places of separation that result in deeper consecration. Psalm 91:15 says "He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver and honor him." While I've been fiercely judged this year by friends, family, and strangers, for the path I've walked and decisions I've made, I'm learning a new dimension of God's presence with me in troubling times. It's a process of discovery really. In the pain of my deepest, darkest valleys, I get to discover you and also discover me.
Our valleys teach us much if we're attuned to the lessons. Your true colors are revealed and so are mine. As I discover who is supporting me and who is against me, I am comforted that no matter what, God is always going to be for me (Romans 8:31, 2 Kings 6:16). My ex-husband recently told me that God was going to withhold blessing from me and certainly punish me "for what you've done." As I re-read his email several times, I realized that very few people will actually understand our walk of faith when it's in complete conflict with the mental constructs they have built over their lifetime. Even those of the faith are sometimes unable to see beyond what society has taught to what Jesus lived. So let's talk about "what I've done." I fell in love with and married someone who was convicted of sex offense about 10 years ago. Let's just put it all out there and call it for what it is. Unacceptable. Intolerable. A convicted sex offender doesn't deserve to be loved as far as the world is concerned, and as for me, I've been likened to the woman caught in adultery (John 8) who the religious zealots wanted to stone to death. I'm somehow expected to defend, justify, and explain my heart's choice in a way that is acceptable, but the reality is, only few can truly receive it. Most people, in my experience, don't really want to understand, so they would appreciate it more if I just kept quiet and lived my life without making waves. Many would be happier still if I somehow realized the error of my ways and apologized for my actions, but if nothing else, at least don't talk about it publicly. Like blind Bartimaeus in Mark 10, however, I'm unable to live my life for your comfort and it's about to get loud.
In Mark 10: 46-48, Bartimaeus heard that Jesus was near and he shouted "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" He was quickly rebuked by the crowd and told to "be quiet," but the Bible says Bartimaeus "shouted all the more..." I'm not saying I don't understand where people are coming from. No one wants to confront the unknown, and hot button topics like sex offending naturally draw hatred and misunderstanding. That said, if the masses want to silence me so that they don't have to examine the basis of their own beliefs or address the uncomfortable depths of deeply loving those they would prefer to scorn, then I must apologize now because my voice is about to elicit your continued wrath and judgment. I will not, however, apologize for loving anyone. It's fascinating to me that the hatred I've encountered this year is actually in response to my choice to love, but I guess it shouldn't be surprising given Jesus' words in John 15:18-19
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated Me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world."
If you find yourself in a place of scorn, ridicule, and rejection by others today for how you're following Jesus, allow that valley to be a canyon of discovery. God has given me several people that are walking with me through the storms of this circumstance, but not everyone is meant to accompany me. That's okay. People have different roles for different seasons of our life. Discover them in the spring and love them still in the fall. While God may use your best friend to hold your hand through a fire of 1998, He might remove that person from your 2020 hurricane. Rest assured, He will either empower you to walk through it alone with Him or bring someone unexpected to steer the boat alongside of you. In either outcome, remember, the deepest depths of truth and love that has ever existed was ultimately crucified in untamed and ignorant hatred (Matthew 27:32-56). Speak truth anyway. Love anyway, and in all seasons and valleys, allow yourself to discover others, but especially do the work of discovering you.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends. - John 15:13
No comments:
Post a Comment