The blood under my toenail. $120.00 to visit a dermatologist. Frantic messages to my primary care doctor. "Blood." "It's just blood," she said calmly in a matter of fact tone. "It's not melanoma?" I questioned with eyes wide. "Nope, it's just blood." Given the circumstances of my life over the last two weeks, it only made sense to me that the black spot under my toenail would be melanoma. It was fitting for how everything else was falling apart. "It could be a bruise" my friend Dawn replied when I sent her an image. "I have to go see a dermatologist STAT! It COULD be melanoma" I stated, and with that I hurried out the door and went to the first one I called that said they had an opening. I was with the doctor five minutes and casually informed that it was, in fact, a bruise. "Have you injured your foot or toe recently," she appropriately inquired. "No," I shot back, "are you sure it couldn't be melanoma? Why don't you look again? Perhaps you don't have enough light. Here, let me twist my foot so you can see better." Good grief, was I trying to walk out with a cancer diagnosis? I certainly was pushing for her to change her professional opinion, but let me backtrack some. It started two weeks ago, and the domino chips haven't stopped falling, but so far it looks something like this - I lost my job, my new husband and I are currently having to live in separate residences, my daughter's biological father is working overtime to keep my daughter away from me, I found out I would likely be losing my apartment (jobs, it turns out, are essential to remaining in one), I still haven't found a new job, the money has dwindled to almost nothing, my car was towed which cost almost 300.00 to have released, and the depression was so thick today, I swear I could have cut it with a knife. Oh, and there's a man in my apartment community who has essentially been stalking me for over a month. I barely eat, I rarely sleep, and in the midst of it all, I'm working to carve out an entirely new identity apart from everything I've known for the last 15 years. Existential crisis times a hundred. I think that covers most of it. I could go on, but I'm feeling tired again just from writing it out. While things are looking pretty grim in a number of significant life domains, and have been for a couple of weeks now, here's what I'm finding. When storms hit, and they inevitably will, we can either pay the price of panic or walk in the peace of simple prayer.
In the interest of transparency, I've shared much, but held back some. You get the picture. Times are tough. My message to you when your own troubles hit - don't panic. Philippians 4:6-7 says "don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for what He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." I must say, it sounds great, but when you're literally walking through the lightening and thunder of life crises, it's a walk of faith to implement. First of all, the Apostle Paul telling me "don't worry" sounded utterly ridiculous to me as I went to get my car out of the tow yard. I mean, he didn't even have a car in his day, what does he know about telling me not to worry? And then I call to remembrance the hardships he faced. He didn't have a car, but he had to walk tirelessly to spread the gospel. Stalkers? He had the worst of them. He was beaten, stoned almost to death, shipwrecked, imprisoned, hungry, thirsty, cold, and sometimes naked (See 2 Corinthians 11:24-31). And yet, interestingly enough, he can say with boldness, things like "don't worry about anything" and "you will experience God's peace..."
Personally, I think he sounds out of his mind, and if I hadn't been walking with the Lord for as long as I have, I would think he was. But here's what I know - the peace of God in tumultuous times really is possible and like nothing else you've ever experienced. In the midst of my own storms, I know His goodness, I know His peace, and I know His unfathomable love toward me (Jeremiah 31:3). He is good. I would have saved $120.00 had I prayed instead of panicking last week. Do you know how mad I was at myself walking out of that physician's office? I laugh now, but that day I was hot! First of all, I didn't have the $120.00 to spend, and secondly, I mentally turned a bruise into melanoma within a matter of seconds (insert eye roll). God would have walked me through my fears and provided me with the reassurance I needed if I had just stopped to pray. He will walk you through yours too. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight," and Colossians 3:15 says "let the peace of Christ rule in your heart." It's not easy, but if you're looking for a sign that everything is going to be okay - this is it. Don't panic. What you're going through is just a test. You can pay the high price of panic or walk in the uncommon peace of prayer. Pray. Breathe. Rest. Trust.
In the interest of transparency, I've shared much, but held back some. You get the picture. Times are tough. My message to you when your own troubles hit - don't panic. Philippians 4:6-7 says "don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for what He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." I must say, it sounds great, but when you're literally walking through the lightening and thunder of life crises, it's a walk of faith to implement. First of all, the Apostle Paul telling me "don't worry" sounded utterly ridiculous to me as I went to get my car out of the tow yard. I mean, he didn't even have a car in his day, what does he know about telling me not to worry? And then I call to remembrance the hardships he faced. He didn't have a car, but he had to walk tirelessly to spread the gospel. Stalkers? He had the worst of them. He was beaten, stoned almost to death, shipwrecked, imprisoned, hungry, thirsty, cold, and sometimes naked (See 2 Corinthians 11:24-31). And yet, interestingly enough, he can say with boldness, things like "don't worry about anything" and "you will experience God's peace..."
Personally, I think he sounds out of his mind, and if I hadn't been walking with the Lord for as long as I have, I would think he was. But here's what I know - the peace of God in tumultuous times really is possible and like nothing else you've ever experienced. In the midst of my own storms, I know His goodness, I know His peace, and I know His unfathomable love toward me (Jeremiah 31:3). He is good. I would have saved $120.00 had I prayed instead of panicking last week. Do you know how mad I was at myself walking out of that physician's office? I laugh now, but that day I was hot! First of all, I didn't have the $120.00 to spend, and secondly, I mentally turned a bruise into melanoma within a matter of seconds (insert eye roll). God would have walked me through my fears and provided me with the reassurance I needed if I had just stopped to pray. He will walk you through yours too. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight," and Colossians 3:15 says "let the peace of Christ rule in your heart." It's not easy, but if you're looking for a sign that everything is going to be okay - this is it. Don't panic. What you're going through is just a test. You can pay the high price of panic or walk in the uncommon peace of prayer. Pray. Breathe. Rest. Trust.
“When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”
Psalm 94:19
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