Not long ago I began working as a psychological competency evaluator for inmates deemed incompetent to stand trial. My job consists of assessing their mental health and writing reports to the court indicating whether or not I believe they have been restored to competency based on the assistance they receive in our program. It isn't without challenge, but I love many aspects of the position. The hardest part, however, is looking into the eyes of an inmate who hasn't even reached the age of 30 and has been charged with attempted murder. Or rape, or any other episode of violent criminal behavior. Some of the alleged crimes I hear about bring tears to my eyes and pain to my soul. When I read a rap sheet 28 pages long and then scan the date of birth only to find the inmate is a mere 24 or 25 years old, I feel heartbroken. I locked eyes with a man recently and the emptiness in his stare sent a shiver down my spine. Without emotion or remorse of any kind, he shared chilling details of the incidents leading up to his arrest. I asked the Lord Jesus to open my eyes and show me what I needed to see in order to serve Him well and love the prisoner sitting before me. Suddenly, my heart swelled with compassion and I understood that the man's brokenness originated with the first fist struck against his face. The repeated and merciless words of cruelty spoken against him still lingered in his mind, and the unlawful and sexually violent attack on his innocence by another enveloped him. He was only four years old then. Unable to escape. Beaten, battered, and violently abused at the hands of others who were supposed to love him. His only chance at survival was to mentally and emotionally die inside so that he could physically survive outside. My heart hurt with the child inside of him who never got to be. It doesn't right his alleged wrongs, but 1 Samuel 16:7 says "For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” I allowed the Lord to show me what He saw. And it changed everything.
One of my supervisors recently informed me that a weakness of mine in my current role is my "bleeding heart," or my soft heart towards others. He's not all together wrong because in my current position it can easily become a liability and a treacherous place of vulnerability. I considered his words carefully for awhile as I tried to determine how I could utilize that aspect of who I am as a strength in my job. It turns out, I can't really. It's a gifting of the Lord, but definitely one that is better suited for earlier stages of intervention in my line of work as a psychologist. An individual's brokenness, including those charged with serious crime, is never beyond the healing and restoring touch of our God. Psalm 34:18 says "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit," and Psalm 147:3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." That said, my role is not to be confused with God's. He is the one who will "save," "bind," and "heal," and it's critical that I remain cognizant of not only my strengths and gifts, but also my limitations and vulnerabilities. Attempting to operate outside the scope of our spiritually prescribed role can, and usually will, lead to heartache and disappointment. Pray. Fast. Intercede and lift others up to God, but never aim to do what only He can do. Utilize the gifting given to you by God (1 Peter 4:10) and use it within the scope of its maximum growth potential, but know where that is. It's not always where you currently are or think you should be. Ephesians 5:17 says "don't be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is," and if you don't know where He wants to use you, ask for guidance and wisdom. James 1:5 says that if you lack wisdom, "ask God and He will give it generously." Working where I currently do has shown me that I might also be well suited to work in other roles that I never before considered. And that's exciting. Where are you now and where do you want to be?
If you're faced with a decision about where to go or what to do, examine your spiritual gifts, pray, and then let God guide you. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." This guidance, however, doesn't always come as a clear sign written in the sky. Sometimes you have to take a risk and leave your comfort behind. Let go and just take a step into the unknown. A leap of faith will always require a new level of prayer and devotion to God. Be willing to surrender all that you are to become all that He desires. Luke 9:23 says "if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily to follow me." Is it easy? Not even a little bit, nor does He promise it will be (John 16:33), but my deepest moments of intimacy and joy with God have always come through my most challenging circumstances when I decided to follow Jesus no matter what the cost. Fear of ridicule by friends and family? Been there. Don't want to disappoint people? Focus on pleasing God and He will take care of your loved ones (Galatians 1:10). Lacking provision for the journey? Philippians 4:19 says God will "meet all your needs according to His riches." Afraid you'll fail? I've definitely been there, but I'll leave you with this quote by Erin Hanson:
One of my supervisors recently informed me that a weakness of mine in my current role is my "bleeding heart," or my soft heart towards others. He's not all together wrong because in my current position it can easily become a liability and a treacherous place of vulnerability. I considered his words carefully for awhile as I tried to determine how I could utilize that aspect of who I am as a strength in my job. It turns out, I can't really. It's a gifting of the Lord, but definitely one that is better suited for earlier stages of intervention in my line of work as a psychologist. An individual's brokenness, including those charged with serious crime, is never beyond the healing and restoring touch of our God. Psalm 34:18 says "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit," and Psalm 147:3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." That said, my role is not to be confused with God's. He is the one who will "save," "bind," and "heal," and it's critical that I remain cognizant of not only my strengths and gifts, but also my limitations and vulnerabilities. Attempting to operate outside the scope of our spiritually prescribed role can, and usually will, lead to heartache and disappointment. Pray. Fast. Intercede and lift others up to God, but never aim to do what only He can do. Utilize the gifting given to you by God (1 Peter 4:10) and use it within the scope of its maximum growth potential, but know where that is. It's not always where you currently are or think you should be. Ephesians 5:17 says "don't be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is," and if you don't know where He wants to use you, ask for guidance and wisdom. James 1:5 says that if you lack wisdom, "ask God and He will give it generously." Working where I currently do has shown me that I might also be well suited to work in other roles that I never before considered. And that's exciting. Where are you now and where do you want to be?
If you're faced with a decision about where to go or what to do, examine your spiritual gifts, pray, and then let God guide you. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." This guidance, however, doesn't always come as a clear sign written in the sky. Sometimes you have to take a risk and leave your comfort behind. Let go and just take a step into the unknown. A leap of faith will always require a new level of prayer and devotion to God. Be willing to surrender all that you are to become all that He desires. Luke 9:23 says "if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily to follow me." Is it easy? Not even a little bit, nor does He promise it will be (John 16:33), but my deepest moments of intimacy and joy with God have always come through my most challenging circumstances when I decided to follow Jesus no matter what the cost. Fear of ridicule by friends and family? Been there. Don't want to disappoint people? Focus on pleasing God and He will take care of your loved ones (Galatians 1:10). Lacking provision for the journey? Philippians 4:19 says God will "meet all your needs according to His riches." Afraid you'll fail? I've definitely been there, but I'll leave you with this quote by Erin Hanson:
"Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?"
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