Let Hope Rise

In the last two years, I've faced many crossroads.  I've moved five times, gotten a divorce, conceived a child, finished my doctorate, and am now roommates with my ex-husband..in the same house I moved out of two years ago.  Are we back together?  Not sure.  Yes? I think? Neither of us really knows, but we're raising my daughter and our son together, we get along great, and we occasionally speak of remarrying. With an infant in the house, no one really knows what sleep is anymore, especially me since she and I share a room, so when we've tried to define our relationship and life together it's just comical and uncertain.  "So am I like your boyfriend or something?" he will ask with a smile.  "I dunno, should we like...go out on a date or something?" I'll ask in return.  We both try to be hip and fresh and new, yet he's the same man who talks to me while I sit on the toilet and I'm the same woman who yells about his odorous gas and smelly socks.  We've been together for over 11 years and know each other inside and out, so it's hard to try and carve out something new when we're both so accustomed to the old.  But we try. Then the baby cries and the answers get lost in a sea of spit up and dirty diapers.  The truth is, we don't have all the answers.  We don't even have half the answers we'd like to have.  He loves me, I love him, and we both love the children we're raising together. That much we know.  It's an unusual dynamic considering my daughter was conceived by someone else while he and I were apart, but it's our dynamic and,strangely enough, it works.  For now.  Amidst the chaos of starting over with a newborn and stumbling our way through a marriage, divorce, and a now new and undefined, yet unfolding, relationship, we're just trying to take the next step and let hope rise.

If you look back on your own life over the last two years, what do you see?  Most of us, typically, within that span of time, will have endured something difficult or overcome some obstacle, and be able to reflect on changes with a smile of appreciation.  Though much may have been lost, something is always gained.  Even if it's just a fresh perspective. For me, my new daughter is the undeserved gain, and my perspective is still being shaped.  I find that, even after all this time, I'm still endeavoring to resolve certain situational ambivalence, and it's an undertaking beyond my own abilities, but here's what I know.  James 1:8 says that a double minded person is unstable in all his ways, or as the NLT version states it: "their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do," and in 1 Kings 18:21, Elijah asks the people how long they will waiver between two opinions. In essence, he's telling them to get it together and make a decision one way or the other.  He says "How much longer will you waver, hobbling between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him! But if Baal is God, then follow him!"  A similar directive can be applied to our daily life circumstances when faced with a crossroads.  Uncertain about which job to take?  Pray and make a decision, trusting the outcome to God.  Romans 8:28 says "all things work together for good for those who love Him."  Unsure about whether or not to leave a relationship?  Pray, make a decision, and trust the outcome to God.  Proverbs 19:21 says that a man makes many plans, but the Lord's purpose will always prevail. Not sure whether or not to start that business or church or Bible study group?  Pray, make the decision, and trust the outcome to God. Psalm 32:8 says "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Trying to decide on whether or not to move across the country?  Pray, make the decision, and leave the outcome with God.  Joshua 1:9 says "have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  

In my own life, I've struggled with decision making, for fear of making the wrong one. Four years ago I had to decide whether to attend seminary or pursue my doctorate. I chose the latter, but only after weeks of turmoil and deliberation. I was so fearful of missing God's will for my life and choosing what wasn't of Him that I nearly became paralyzed in my indecision.  I wavered between the two choices, unable to commit to one or the other.  Until I did commit.  Was it the right one?  Maybe, maybe not, but God was with me everywhere I went.  He was with me in the tears over my dissertation.  He celebrated with me when I became Dr. Gent. He was with me when I got off track and started making bad decisions along the way.  He was with me when I went down into the depths of sin and rebellion. And He was with me when I came out of darkness, back into the light of His love and grace. Would I have experienced such hardship had I chosen seminary?  Maybe not, but I also wouldn't have my beautiful daughter either.  I'm currently at another crossroads in my life, but here's what I've learned about choices and decisions - God is with me no matter which path I choose.  He's never going to leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) and if I get off track, He will pursue me relentlessly until I'm back on track.  Whatever decision you're faced with right now, whatever crossroad you're standing in front of, quit wavering between the two paths and go for it.  Go for it, go for it, go for it.  He will be with you, so take the leap of faith you're scared to take and trust Him to be your Guide.  Pray, make the decision, leave the outcome to God, and let hope rise.

"No one who hopes in God will ever be put to shame" - Psalm 25:3